The Facts on Brendan Nelson

Guns don't kill people. Brendan Nelson kills people.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brendan Nelson allows to live.

Brendan Nelson does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Brendan Nelson is Pain.




There is no chin under Brendan Nelson's beard. There is only another fist.

"Brendan Nelson has two speeds. Walk, and Kill."

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Brendan Nelson 3. Cancer

"Brendan Nelson drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

Brendan Nelson is my Homeboy.

Brendan Nelson doesn't go hunting... BRENDAN NELSON GOES KILLING

"In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Brendan Nelson."

Brendan Nelson uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

  • Brendon Nelson once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Crop circles are Brendan Nelson's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Brendan Nelson is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Brendan Nelson out. It failed miserably.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Brendan Nelson, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosones. Brendan Nelson has 72... and they're all poisonous.
  • If you ask Brendan Nelson what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • When Brendan Nelson sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brendan Nelson has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Brendan Nelson's fist.


Brendan Nelson invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as "Brendan Nelson Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

"Brendan Nelson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves."

"Brendan Nelson once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress."

"What was going through the minds of all Brendan Nelson victims before they died? His shoe."



Brendan Nelson is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Brendan Nelson as a Code 45-11... a suicide.

Brendan Nelson doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Brendan Nelson doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.


A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Brendan Nelson and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Brendan Nelson will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

"Someone once videotaped Brendan Nelson getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre."


If you spell Brendan Nelson in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Brendan Nelson originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch", Brendan Nelson repilied "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Brendan Nelson once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Brendan Nelson played in second grade.

Brendan Nelson once shot down a German fighter plance with his finger by yelling "Bang!"

  • Brendan Nelson once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Brendan Nelson re-entered the Earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

  • Someone once tried to tell Brendan Nelson that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Brendantatorship.

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Brendan Nelson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and has learned karate.

Brendan Nelson is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Brendan Nelson.

  • Faster than a speeding bullet... more powerful than a locomotive... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Brendan Nelson's warm-up exercises.

  • HECS debt has nearly tripled from $4.5 billion to nearly $13 billion.

  • Brendan Nelson is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.